A Name

My brain feels a little like it lost a tug of war with a pack of wolves today. But a commitment is a commitment, so here I sit in front of the blank screen. I having been thinking quite a bit about my main character. I knew she was homeless. I just didn't know how she got there. Or how redemption comes to her. Or even her name. Until now, she has been a character in the shadows. Lurking behind other ideas, patiently waiting her turn. Last night as I lay in bed making sure every shadow in the room was something I count account for in my world, an act only she count identify with, she wispered her name to me. It's Lilith, and she's beautiful.

Accoutable

More often than not, I feel like I am the last one to know. This includes not only the happenings in lives around me, but in my own life as well. I have never really been able to figure that out. I would guess it has quite a bit to do with my complete and total lack of self confidence. Most people are shocked to find out such a thing exists inside my head. But it's true. I have all the confidence of a rat on a sinking ship.

Last week I was asked if I had met my writing goals for the month. I quipped that my muse had toilet papered my soul, so no. Some justified it for me. They told me with my foot being in pain, it was probably terribly difficult to write. So...I went with that. However, one person called me out. One person said, "I have no doubt you could write a book in your sleep. You are just too scared to start."

"No," I quickly fired back, "I am going to do it. I just...I don't know. I'm lazy."

"Well if you're going to write it, you better get started," she flatly stated.

There was no judgement, no drama. Just truth. I need more of that in my life. It challenges me.

Two days later I received an e-mail from another truth speaker who told me, "It's like you forgot how amazingly talented you are." Forgot? No! Never believed. The space between them is greater than the distance between tips of the spiral arms of the milky way.

Today, that changes. I am reshaping the space. Today, I start my book.

But...I need your help. I don't want to hear, "Oh you're such a good writer, you can totally do it." This only makes me think your pants are on fire. What I need is accountability. I want you to relentlessly hound me about writing. Ask me if I have done it today, ask me what I worked on. Tell me to show it to you, and if I do, don't tell me it's great. Tell me what you like, and what you don't. I promise to post on this blog every day. Whether it be an excerpt from the book, the process of getting there, or a meltdown about why I cannot continue, I promise to blog. I want to be the rat with a life preserver.

Or maybe even not a rat at all.